I have been really thinking about this situation, and as I've stated, I just can't seem to move on. Yes, it is bad that it takes someone else to come along for you to realize the magnitude of what you had, but that is how I chose to learn my lesson (I can't be mad at the way I get what I ask for).
I have been mean to you, made you feel like you weren't enough, and did everything but deny that I knew you as a friend. All those things you said were true. When I think about my decisions, I had to have known that I was making you feel miserable and that the happiness that you said you had, could not possibly outweigh the way I was making you feel....I honestly did not think that you would go away.
In your going away, I think that we have both found some things that we were lacking in our relationship. You have found someone that you can talk and laugh with, and that gives you a good feeling about yourself; and I have found someone that is willing to share everything and be open and honest with me. Things that we were searching for but couldn't find in one another.
Just like you say that I will never know the pain that you have felt, you will never know the amount of love that I have for you even in this moment. It is that same love that makes me sick in the stomach when I think about another woman getting any of the attention that you once gave to me. It is also that same love that when you tell me that you have found happiness, I feel that I have to let you go, as much as I don't want to.
I think about how we could move forward and be able to "truly" trust one another. When I think of us hanging out or dating "for real", I feel as though she will in some form will always be there. We can never go back to the intensity that we had before, neither you or I will let ourselves go there again. She has become your guard, and you will keep that indefinitely. I am learning to be open and honest with everything and my expectations for anyone that I date are the same.
The other day I said that we have come to a crossroad...in one direction, we attempt to be friends and try to get back some of what we were, and the other we part ways and wish each other the best. Just like you can't share me with another man, I can't share you with another woman, and I don't want you if I can't have your whole heart. I would never want it to go back to like it was, I would want it to be better. In order to move on together, we both have to give up a lot to take that risk, and this is something that I don't think either one of us is prepared to do. Have I found that someone special? Probably not, I know that was you, but I chose to ignore it and like everything else that I choose, I must face that I may have missed that "something special". But he, like her for you, makes me happy. We laugh together and can talk about almost anything. I know he will always be a loyal and true friend. I think that it is hard for you to be honest about what she means to you (or anyone else that has been there for you for that matter), maybe because you think I will go away. Your honesty is what helps me want to stay, the vagueness just keeps pushing me away.
I say all this to say, we are not ready to be friends and try to make anything work. It is selfish to want to keep each tied to something that we know we have no intent on being committed to. I meant it when I said I would give it all up and take it all back, if we could move forward and truly love each other and be committed to one another, but the reality is that it is not going to happen, and "I can only go by today" does not work. Today you have her, and today I have him.
I hope that you hear my heart and can be honest with yourself and me in admitting that you don't want this right now. She has your attention and that's okay. Maybe we can both learn some good things from these new people. I just don't want you to tell me a bunch of things to keep me emotionally tied to you, and I have committed myself to not do the same for you. I love you more than anything, but I can't trust you in this moment and I think we need to have our space to grow.
I hope that you hear my heart in all of this and can understand.
I will love you always.
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