Imprints...

I saw the latest Twilight movie over the weekend and it was my first encounter with the series ever. I was told that I would miss something if I had not read the books or watched any of the other movies, but I must say there was one aspect of the movie that really stuck with me...Imprints...

"It's not like love at first sight, really. It's more like... gravity moves.... suddenly. It's not the earth holding you here anymore, she does.... You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend." ~ Jacob Black explaining to Bella Swan about imprint.

It's great when you think about it. The love that every woman longs for. Someone who can go through the "stages" with her. Protector, best friend, then ultimately lover. Not love at first site, but a feeling that ultimately the person before your eyes is your "perfect match" who will be anything you may want or need, making it impossible for you to reject them. Why can't we love like this naturally?

As I type it comes to my mind that this is how God first loves us. Unconditionally being anything we may want or need and I know that once we love him the same in return, we will be able to project this love onto others...I still believe in fairytales.

The Randomness of Life...

I'm daydreaming about that girl and boy who have a "meet cute", knowing that there is just something about the other that draws them to one another but they take there time. They dance around friendship - all he knows is he will never let anyone hurt her; then he dips her and she becomes his best friend - now he knows he'll love her for a lifetime; as he twirls her and she smiles, "a glowing heat fills him" and she now knows his love - what they have has become eternity.

I don't feel it's too late for me. Even at 37 years of age, there is still an imprint to be made. I wear my heart on my sleeve and some lucky fellow will notice. In the meantime, I will continue preparing and make sure that I am walking in my God love so that I will be ready. HappiDaisy :o)

My Thoughts Can Bring Me To Tears...

I'm just walking. Too numb to feel anything. Going through the motions with pretty much everything I do these days. I want to move on, get past it as "they" say, but for some reason I can't. And I don't know why.
You lied to me. Mislead me. Only stayed with me so that no one else could love me. Now there's this battle between my head and my heart that really shouldn't be. My heart says move on, get past it as "they" say, find love. But my head says stay and work it out.
We won't be friends, we can't be friends...too much hurt and pain between us. All I wanted though was...a friend. Friends can be counted on and don't change their mind when you need them. Friends don't take things back or brings things up. That trust word comes to mind again. Friends are someone who can be trusted. Not only with the tangible but the most intangible thing you have...the emotions of your heart.
I cherished that...the emotions of your heart. I held them dear.
I trusted you...with that...the emotions of my heart. At one time I gave them freely. Now there all bottled up again, some other man's burden to bear. Poor soul.
It hurts when you say it wasn't so. I never was "all in". How could you think that? I believed in you when you said no one else did. I wanted everything for you that you wanted and thought you needed. Supported your dreams more than my own.

A friend that's all I was looking for. Not a companion (that was his thing)...but a friend.

The Randomness of Life...

No friend of mine...has ever become my lover...so have I ever really had a friend?

HappiDaisy :o)

if i could only find the words that you could hear...

why...could you not be what i needed...not what you wanted to be...

why...could you not love me like i asked...not like you felt i should be...

so many stages in this game...deception, followed by betrayal, mixed with dishonesty...which then turned into hate, which led to bitterness...and now all that's left is sadness with emptiness as the filler...

but it started out as bliss, followed by hope, mixed with laughter...which turned to respect, which led to love...and what we had was "real"...

in your eyes i seem not moved and unaffected...but your pain is my pain and your emptiness is my emptiness...two people on two different paths that seem to never meet up...no longer even a crossroad...

you didn't love harder...there's no way possible...i look for you just as well...

they say that when you find someone to spend your life with, make sure you've found your "best friend"...maybe we missed it...caught up in the appearance of it all...i wanted it that way and you allowed it to be...

why...could you not be what i needed...not what you wanted to be...

why...could you not love me like i asked...not like you felt i should be...

the randomness of life...

for me...love always happens this way...HappiDaisy :o)

Is This Thing On...

It takes a special person to be a good listener. Someone that can be counted to hear your thoughts without interruptions, not looking to be the problem solver just a listening ear. This is indeed a special creature, but what do they do when they need to be heard?

These people tend to find themselves surrounded by those who are excellent talkers. People who even when they think they are listening, aren't truly; they are just waiting to once again hear themselves talk.

So the "good" listener goes about life being the one you can always count on to be there; the one person that never judges; the one person that can show you empathy the most.

The Randomness of Life...

"Good" talkers need to be aware of the state of the "good" listeners. We are a hurting bunch, mainly searching for a voice for which we can tell our stories. We go through life seemingly without a care in the world, but in actuality we carry the world's struggles on our backs because we "heard" it all. We take each person's hurt personally and their story becomes our cause.

Our voice is usually not strong enough to shout over yours - we want your cause to be heard more than ours. Our voice is usually not strong enough to shout over yours - you are what matters, we will be fine.

So a note to yourself...when you find yourself simply talking...take a breath and just listen...there maybe someone waiting to be heard. HappiDaisy :o)

A Case of the Mean Reds

"Much worse than the blues because your sad and you don't know why..." ~Holly Golightly

It's the most uncomfortable feeling in the world to be sad and for no apparent reason. Today, in this moment, I feel that I have everything that I need yet there is an emptiness that I can't describe. I am that person who lives in their head, and most times alone with my thoughts.

From the outside looking in, I have been told that I look happy and that I should not have a care in the world. But what so many often miss is that the temporary things will never bring you a lasting joy that you can count on. So I sit here now and wonder...where does this sadness come from?

I've made some interesting decisions (to say the least) over the past few years. Once married, 2 kids, a home...everything but the dog and a white picket fence to surround us; I chose to leave the institution of marriage, because our house was no longer a home. Most girls dream of the day when they find the man of their dreams, wed in a beautiful gown, and set off to live the "American Dream" of a perfect life. I am no exception, the hopeless romantic that I am, but this is not my story.

My firstborn, was given to us out of wedlock, conceived in not the manner I envisioned, but a joy unspeakable since the first day I laid eyes on him. What I have learned from this moment is that having a child will give you a blind love that makes you want to do what it takes so that they are safe in this world. I wed his father, not wearing my beautiful gown, being a "wild thing", rebeling standing there in my jeans. Fastforward 2 years, there's now a 3000 sq. ft. house in the suburbs and our second bouncing baby boy; from the outside looking in, it seems like we have a storybook life.

The Randomness of Life...

Mateo changed everything. Our third child, he came to us a fighter, and taught us how to love hard and unconditionally. From day one he was special, he took everything life gave him and we still say to this day that we never really heard him fuss. Until that day he slipped away from us, we had a chartered course, a plan of what our story would be. Years later I have realized that it was in that moment that I became breakable, and in control of nothing.

Mateo's passing changed our course. Since 2006, the house is no longer and the family has been divided; choices that were made can no longer be corrected and that storybook has come to an end. We are all stronger now than we ever thought we could be, but there's a love that has been lost that each of us seeks to find again, only now as individuals.

I wonder...I often think about that "hard", unconditional love and whether thats maybe where the mean reds sometimes comes from. I long to feel that version of love again. I believe it's this type of love that will provide the firm foundation of my next fairytale, one that will hopefully look like something little girls dream of.

But when I get a case of the mean reds...I am often frightened by the realness that fairytales maybe don't come true and what I'm looking for is something that just doesn't exist...HappiDaisy :o)

Simple Thoughts...

Life at most times is truly just that...random. Most of us think we have a plan, our own guides as to how it should all play out (life that is), thinking we are in control of our own destiny's.

One day we wake up to realize that even with our God given right of choice, we are still not in control of where we end up. We chart courses that our experiences change, winding us down roads we never thought we would travel.

I don't know my complete story. But it is my hope along the way that some experience I have had makes a difference to someone, and alters their charted course in a positive way.

My wish for my destiny is that my "randomness of life", is painted with vibrant colors that brings joy and not pain, mixed with wisdom - not words of a fool. HappiDaisy :o)