"Much worse than the blues because your sad and you don't know why..." ~Holly Golightly
It's the most uncomfortable feeling in the world to be sad and for no apparent reason. Today, in this moment, I feel that I have everything that I need yet there is an emptiness that I can't describe. I am that person who lives in their head, and most times alone with my thoughts.
From the outside looking in, I have been told that I look happy and that I should not have a care in the world. But what so many often miss is that the temporary things will never bring you a lasting joy that you can count on. So I sit here now and wonder...where does this sadness come from?
I've made some interesting decisions (to say the least) over the past few years. Once married, 2 kids, a home...everything but the dog and a white picket fence to surround us; I chose to leave the institution of marriage, because our house was no longer a home. Most girls dream of the day when they find the man of their dreams, wed in a beautiful gown, and set off to live the "American Dream" of a perfect life. I am no exception, the hopeless romantic that I am, but this is not my story.
My firstborn, was given to us out of wedlock, conceived in not the manner I envisioned, but a joy unspeakable since the first day I laid eyes on him. What I have learned from this moment is that having a child will give you a blind love that makes you want to do what it takes so that they are safe in this world. I wed his father, not wearing my beautiful gown, being a "wild thing", rebeling standing there in my jeans. Fastforward 2 years, there's now a 3000 sq. ft. house in the suburbs and our second bouncing baby boy; from the outside looking in, it seems like we have a storybook life.
The Randomness of Life...
Mateo changed everything. Our third child, he came to us a fighter, and taught us how to love hard and unconditionally. From day one he was special, he took everything life gave him and we still say to this day that we never really heard him fuss. Until that day he slipped away from us, we had a chartered course, a plan of what our story would be. Years later I have realized that it was in that moment that I became breakable, and in control of nothing.
Mateo's passing changed our course. Since 2006, the house is no longer and the family has been divided; choices that were made can no longer be corrected and that storybook has come to an end. We are all stronger now than we ever thought we could be, but there's a love that has been lost that each of us seeks to find again, only now as individuals.
I wonder...I often think about that "hard", unconditional love and whether thats maybe where the mean reds sometimes comes from. I long to feel that version of love again. I believe it's this type of love that will provide the firm foundation of my next fairytale, one that will hopefully look like something little girls dream of.
But when I get a case of the mean reds...I am often frightened by the realness that fairytales maybe don't come true and what I'm looking for is something that just doesn't exist...HappiDaisy :o)
It's the most uncomfortable feeling in the world to be sad and for no apparent reason. Today, in this moment, I feel that I have everything that I need yet there is an emptiness that I can't describe. I am that person who lives in their head, and most times alone with my thoughts.
From the outside looking in, I have been told that I look happy and that I should not have a care in the world. But what so many often miss is that the temporary things will never bring you a lasting joy that you can count on. So I sit here now and wonder...where does this sadness come from?
I've made some interesting decisions (to say the least) over the past few years. Once married, 2 kids, a home...everything but the dog and a white picket fence to surround us; I chose to leave the institution of marriage, because our house was no longer a home. Most girls dream of the day when they find the man of their dreams, wed in a beautiful gown, and set off to live the "American Dream" of a perfect life. I am no exception, the hopeless romantic that I am, but this is not my story.
My firstborn, was given to us out of wedlock, conceived in not the manner I envisioned, but a joy unspeakable since the first day I laid eyes on him. What I have learned from this moment is that having a child will give you a blind love that makes you want to do what it takes so that they are safe in this world. I wed his father, not wearing my beautiful gown, being a "wild thing", rebeling standing there in my jeans. Fastforward 2 years, there's now a 3000 sq. ft. house in the suburbs and our second bouncing baby boy; from the outside looking in, it seems like we have a storybook life.
The Randomness of Life...
Mateo changed everything. Our third child, he came to us a fighter, and taught us how to love hard and unconditionally. From day one he was special, he took everything life gave him and we still say to this day that we never really heard him fuss. Until that day he slipped away from us, we had a chartered course, a plan of what our story would be. Years later I have realized that it was in that moment that I became breakable, and in control of nothing.
Mateo's passing changed our course. Since 2006, the house is no longer and the family has been divided; choices that were made can no longer be corrected and that storybook has come to an end. We are all stronger now than we ever thought we could be, but there's a love that has been lost that each of us seeks to find again, only now as individuals.
I wonder...I often think about that "hard", unconditional love and whether thats maybe where the mean reds sometimes comes from. I long to feel that version of love again. I believe it's this type of love that will provide the firm foundation of my next fairytale, one that will hopefully look like something little girls dream of.
But when I get a case of the mean reds...I am often frightened by the realness that fairytales maybe don't come true and what I'm looking for is something that just doesn't exist...HappiDaisy :o)
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